On Humor and Humiliation, ft. Empress Wu

Happy Valentine’s Day, pervs! Myself and my close friend/hilarious vixen/evil-genius-for-hire Empress Wu wanted to give you a special treat on this namesake day. We often chat about the role that humor plays in our scenes, and if there’s one thing Wu and I love to do it’s laugh. We figured the world would also love to hear our thoughts on this topic ;) Needless to say, we had fun and I very much hope you have fun reading it. (This is a conversation in two parts, the second half can be found on Wu’s blog—enjoy!)

A peek into our dark twisted minds

Amalia Valentine: Hello everybody. You’re listening to “Two Dumb Bitch Radio”

[laughter]

Empress Wu: This is Empress Wu. I’m here chatting with Amalia Valentine. We’re actually getting ready now and putting on makeup. 

AV: If you even care…

[laughter]

EW: We’ve been meaning to have this conversation for a while–one that we could publicly share about humor in BDSM, which I know is something you studied in college.

AV: You better believe it 

[laughter]

Yea it is. It was an area of study for me when I was an undergraduate in college. When I would tell people that I was studying the presence of humor in the BDSM community, there was often this confused reaction of “Well, why would you do that?”

EW: Yeah you stupid dumb bitch

AV: Yeah “Why would you study that, you stupid dumb bitch” and then they would throw sand in my face 

[laughter] 

I think there is a cultural stereotype that we have of kink being serious or formal or that having a D/s dynamic is very [frigid]. And there’s this idea [that kink has a] a formulaic tone. So for me it was about pushing back against that cultural narrative. I thought “Well actually from my experience being in community, from the texts that I look at, and also from archival materials, people in kink are really funny.” And there’s a kind of playfulness often–obviously it can be serious–but I think more often than not what we’re doing is objectively funny.

EW: It's looney toons shit. We’re bombing each other like in a cartoon.

AV: Yea! I’m Wiley Coyote drawing a cave on a wall hoping someone runs into it. So I feel like I’ve always been interested in that tension. I’m also just a funny bitch. I love to laugh. 

I would also love to talk more about the inception of our friendship.

EW: I was literally just thinking about that! We met each other at a Domme gathering. I had heard about you at the time being mentored. I just felt like we met and I felt, “Oh. This bitch and I have a very compatible sense of humor.” We became very fast friends.

AV: I think so. You’re one of those people in my life where the only thing stopping us from being friends was not knowing each other. Once we met, it didn’t take time for us to kindle a strong friendship. It was like friendship soulmates. This person was always meant to be in my life, and we are just on that same wavelength. Our first conversation when we first met each other was like a game of ping pong: back and forth, back and forth, back and forth

[laughter]

You know what I mean? It was just like we were operating on this level that felt so in tune and in sync in our humor and how we approach laughing and joy. 

EW: I feel like you’re not stingy with your laughter. And you don’t take yourself too seriously. [jokingly] you don’t take yourself seriously 

[pause]

AV: What are you saying to me right now!?

[laughter]

AV: This is just turning into a roast

EW [jokingly]: You need to start taking yourself more seriously

AV: This is an intervention! 

“It's looney toons shit. We’re bombing each other like in a cartoon”

EW: No but I think that’s something very special about you. You don’t take yourself too seriously in an industry where appearance is so highly valued. I just felt like when we were first meeting each other we were immediately so fucking stupid around each other. And that was so refreshing, to feel like I could just be a dumbass around this person, in the exact way that I want to be.

AV: That’s how I felt too. And I felt like for someone who was just joining the community as a pro, everyone was so intimidating. And even in person, everyone is gorgeous, they’re well dressed, they’re intelligent, they’re skilled– 

EW: They’re scary on purpose

AV: They’re so scary! And that’s incredibly intimidating even as a Domme, as someone who should be a peer. These bitches are so cool. Then I meet people in the industry who do not have that kind of ego, which honestly is a lot of people. I think once you get to know people, you learn that they’re actually very chill and cool. With some people you feel that right away, and I felt that so much with you. I was really grateful because you were so generous in that way. And then I really just thought “This bitch is making me laugh. Let’s hang out.” You know what I mean? You were just so open to me.

EW: I think you asked to hang out first and then I started harassing you

AV: And the torture has never stopped.

[laughter]

AV: How do you think you value humor in your work?

EW: Because I am quite skilled and I have a lot of friends that are really skilled, if I were going to hire a service provider, the thing I would most look for is a compatible sense of humor. If I were going to [pay for my own] session, I would be going to laugh. I would want to experience that level of joy.

AV: I completely agree, it’s an important quality. Sure you got that ass but can you make me laugh?

EW: Exactly! There’s this one scene in the first season of Sex and the City (which I am obsessed with, in case you didn’t know. I love that fucking show. It’s problematic in alllll the right ways). But there’s this one scene. The premise of the episode is that Carrie Bradshaw is writing her column, and the content of her weekly column asks, “Why is it that men date models?” And she asks her love interest, Mr. Big, “Why do men date models?” And he comes back at the end of the episode and says, “You know what? Sometimes you really like beautiful things. Who doesn’t want to be around beauty? But at the end of the day, you come home to the one who makes you laugh.”

AV: That's so TRUE.

EW: I feel like the people I like, the ones I like to be around are the ones who I feel like I can be free in my laughter, who never feel like they have to hold in their laughter around me. That happens in my personal life, my professional life. The clients that I can keep around are the ones that offer me solid fucking laughter

Two scary bitches

AV: Totally agree, those are the sessions that I feel best about–to have the understanding that we’re doing a bit together, co-creating the experience. I think for me, humor can be deflective and is something that can deflect from vulnerability. But I think it can also be really vulnerable. At least the way I’m doing humor, I'm also making a fool of myself! We’re making fools of ourselves! I think the way I show my humor is I like to be funny and quick but I also like to be funny and do voices and characters, which is objectively ridiculous and I’m sometimes making myself the butt of the joke. And sometimes it doesn’t land!! And that’s a humbling experience. Has that ever happened to you?

EW: I'm positive that it’s happened to me, and I'm also positive that I've wiped it out of my brain. Or I've been like “Teehee haha, this is funny to me only” if it’s not landing with the right audience.

AV: 100%. That’s a part of it though, the risks that come with being funny. Trying to be funny is–you know you can theorize it as much as you want, about how putting yourself out there is in a way setting yourself up to fail. You can draw as many parallels to kink as you want to around vulnerability and fear of failure in play. And at the end of the day, it just feels good to hear someone laugh.

Interestingly for me–I would be curious to hear your thoughts about this–I was talking to one of my friends and we were talking about how when we play our dynamic is very playful. And I find that when I’m doing really heavy sadism on someone, when I’m really pushing the boundaries of what the human body can do, I find that humor is something that helps me process that, feel through that. It’s a way to ground me through that, to be like, I’m acknowledging that we are going through something…absurd. Like I love you and care for you and we’re going to go through this together. We just need to acknowledge this thing together.

EW: One must acknowledge the masochist is happy.

[laughter]

AV: Yes. I do think for me, humor is a form of care for myself.

EW: It’s its own medium for processing. In the same way that the literal act of sadism and masochism is a literal mode or medium for processing a somatic experience when the body be keeping the score.

AV: Absolutely; the body do be keeping the score. Let the bodies keep the score [sung to the tune of “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor”]

[laughter]

“I find that when I’m doing really heavy sadism on someone, when I’m really pushing the boundaries of what the human body can do, I find that humor is something that helps me process that, feel through that”

EW: You and I have done a lot of personal scenes together.  But we haven’t done a lot of professional scenes together. Which is literally so fucking insane because first of all we cannot shut the fuck up. Secondly we can’t stop pissing. We cannot stop peepeeing on people. And the first scene that you and I did together professionally was literally the most insane scene.

AV: Actually, it took me days to recover from that. The mental fortitude that it took to do that with you. ~Girl time~

EW: It was so #girlhood to be like, “I’m just going to be in a room with two very close friends and a man and feed our piss into his ass and then make him drink the piss from his ass.” We nicknamed him Krazy Straw. It was a good day.

AV: That was a beautiful day. I think mischief can just be so important

EW: Are we…but the jesters of modern society reflecting it back to itself?

AV: Honestly!! I mean, idk what you’re doing, but that’s what I’m doing!

[laughter]

AV: But yeah, the time I feel most in tune during a session is when I’m doing a double with someone and we’re doing our tight ten together.

EW: Which is ironically the same name I call my two fists

[blonde cackling]

AV: Really good!! When we’re doing our tight ten and also holding hands inside of somebody, that is one of life’s greatest joys.

EW: It’s friendship

AV: It’s friendship! And I think that really shines through in a scene or wherever when you’re having fun. Like are you kidding me? Penetrating orifices and exploring the corporeal form with your bestie??

EW: What more could life offer??

AV: Literally what more could a girl want? ✷

Empress Wu is a psychosexual predator ISO sacrificial lambs. You can learn more about her here.

You can read pt 2 on Empress Wu’s blog, and if you’d like to make our dreams of sessioning together a reality, fill out my form to book a session.